Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
