the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
