just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
