I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
