If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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