you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
