My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
