If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
