Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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