..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
