Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
