I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
