who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
