We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
