3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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