I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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