If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
