for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
