He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
