I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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