Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
