Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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