Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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