i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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