she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
