things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
