Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
