I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
