you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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