remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
