eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
