I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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