So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
