there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
