My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize