why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
