Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
