i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
