The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
