Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize