i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
