ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
