I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
