Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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