I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
