Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
