I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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