I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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