i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
