i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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