I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
