I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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