The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
