tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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