This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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