I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
