I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
