Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
