And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
organizing the empties. That sober.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
