i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
