Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
