and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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