WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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